Encouragement the deeper flow of appreciation,

and a powerful medicine to release the onslaught of fear

Hello my friend,

Welcome if you are new. It’s good to be with you, and all the other readers.

I’m off my feed, as my farmer father used to say. Off my feed means off schedule and relates to farm animals eating at irregular hours. My writing and publishing schedule is now on it’s own schedule, attuned to the fluid movement of life, whether I like it or not!

Are you ever off your feed?

My father also said, when I was in my late 30’s with young children, “if I had any words of parenting advice it would be to brag on your children more”. What he meant by bragging was praise and encouragement. My wit and longing answered, “well there’s no time like the present Daddy!”

My parents expected me and my siblings to behave, do what we were “supposed” to do, and make life easier for them. If we did not live up to their expectations, clear instructions, critique and feedback were sternly offered for our improvement. Being the only family I knew, I thought this style of relating was normal.

It wasn’t until my first year of marriage in my mid 20’s that I learned the limitations of this feedback approach. In fact, I reflected on the words I spoke to my beloved for a quite a while—too long. It wasn’t pretty. I said something like, “I don’t need to tell you when you do a good job, that is expected of you. I’m here to help when you need guidance.”

I know. Cringe.

Our conversations pivoted (or I wouldn’t be here writing about it) and I began to learn what encouragement looked like, felt like and the impact on our well-being.

My history and recent less than encouraging stories inspire this writing about encouragement.

Encouragement is an abiding presence and connection that builds confidence and clarity. It begins with appreciation, my jam and a favorite way of adoring people. Appreciation names what works, feels good, looks beautiful, tastes fabulous and expands positivity in a generative moment. The moment may or may not last. Yet I wonder how often it does.

After appreciation, encouragement then coaxes deeper seeing, relating, coherence and intentional responses. Encouragement can be the antidote to doubt, the field of fear and specific fear inducing situations. Encouragement touches the heart. Done well, encouragement opens hearts to receiving, even when hearts are scared.

Recent fear inducing events took me back to my early days in my financial career. Igniting fear or amplifying fear was the “technique” used to influence decisions in favor of the professional. Unhealthy responses are common especially when we are scared, confused, or feeling doubt.

Education and empowerment for clients was (and is) my focus when the corporate culture intended sales, profit and in the worst cases manipulation. A big part of me is disheartened by our lack of progress in putting people first.

Fear is a natural human emotion built into our DNA coding. We don’t eliminate fear. We experience fear skillfully.

Encouragement builds capacity to meet and move through fear, see clearly and respond with confidence. Please make sure your people (professionals, friends, family) encourage you rather than undermine you.

Recently a client took steps toward a dream of community living by selling an existing family home and purchasing a new home. A local realtor offered to support the home sale. While no contracts were signed, our client received strong (imperative) recommendations for home improvements, cautions on marketability, economic factors hindering buyers and cautionary remarks about the selling potentials that caused our client to doubt their choices. Concurrently, our client found a new home in a different state working with a realtor in that state to support the purchase.

The contrast of the realtors was remarkable. Her selling realtor created confusion and energy drain to get the house on the market. Our client felt anxious and rushed to get quotes for a new roof, clean out her home, make quick decisions. We listened. We offered different perspectives. We clarified confusion. We provided options that showed many different ways to choose which way to go. We emphasized for our client what mattered most to our client. There are no perfect answers. However, there are good choices for each person. We encouraged our client so that they could access their innate wisdom to make their best choices.

The realtor assisting with the purchase of a new home generously and competently supported the process.

In this clarifying space, our client sourced truth and confidence, and found a different realtor to assist with the home sale.

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Medicine for Fear

Have you ever been shocked by darts of fear?

Or, have you noticed subtle (maybe not so subtle) nudges of fear camouflaged as support, guidance, or advice?

When it comes to money, fear is a drip line of manipulation. Unconscious or intentional, we live in a world where fear incites action to “fix” money problems.

A dear friend called recently and shared her daughter’s shame experience working with a financial professional. My friend wanted to know if “this kind of treatment was normal”. A transaction was missing in her daughter’s account and when her daughter sought clarification from her financial person, they refuted the daughter’s question. The financial professional responded without care, curiosity or attempt to assist and repeated that there was no transaction, she must be mistaken. Several more attempts were made to gain clarity and remedy the situation. Yet each response from the professional seared more blame and dismissal.

My friend had to get involved on her daughter’s behalf to prove the deposit was made in the account. The financial professional was uninformed about company operations. Upon further research and assistance from colleagues, the error was found. The financial professional remained dismissive without taking responsibility for the error and behavior.

Following up with my friend, I suggested that I don’t know if this kind of treatment is normal in financial services. It is not how any person deserves to be treated in finance or any other relationship.

I suggested that the better question might be, how do I choose to be treated? What kind of relationship do I want with my _________________ (health care provider, financial person, real estate agent, attorney, colleague, mentor, etc.)?

With important decisions, such as the purchase or sale of a home, a medical procedure, a change in career, how to protect our loved ones, new healthy habits, we benefit from and sometimes depend upon support from others—professionals, family, friends.

Well intentioned people can create more confusion, fear stories and send you down a rabbit hole.

Selling, consulting, coaching, advising, media overload is saturated with fear and in times of important decisions, vulnerability increases. We are impressionable. We don’t know the facts, what to do, the industry, and we seek guidance and advice from others who do know the facts, the actions to take, the ins and outs of our final objective.

It is easy to get caught in an eddy of confusion, feeling scared and make a decision quickly to feel better.

Don’t.

Let’s try a new move.

Let’s expand encouragement.

How?

We access our inner knowing, one step at at time.

• Appreciation opens the door.

• Encouragement feeds the soul.

• Encouragement empowers and builds new muscles.

• Encouragement leads us home to our heart.

Let’s brag! Brag on yourself. Then brag on your people.

I’ll go first.

• I turned my aggravation of fear inducing behavior into this writing. Yay me!

• My spouse is a generous man seeking connection and growth. I am the beneficiary of his love and wisdom.

With encouraging nudges to encourage,

Gayle